Just one more step!

Thoughts. There all I have and all I am right now. Confusion. The main feeling that can describe how I feel. Sometimes it seems like I have it all and it's everything I ever wanted but it never stays too long. In a split of a second I find myself on the edge, I feel the power of the wind as it tries to take me down, apparently with no reason without any destination or purpose.
I find myself falling over and over again. I get back up, I refuse to surrender as I resist to fall.

I've tried to write many times, but when I see myself in front of a blank paper I can't seem to be able to express all the things that crosses my mind. Maybe that was even the main problem … thinking. As I can not express feelings as they are unique and influenced by so many variables that I don't realize they are there until I start to think...and then I acknowledge their presence and try to go to the fond of it until I get lost in translation.

I push myself on the edge of possible and impossible while trying to build a bridge. However, I don't feel like I'm doing enough. I think down inside I am capable of more. I can do better. I can go beyond the lines that are in front of me. But I can't manage to see what it's keeping me from crossing them. I try to push myself to make another step … just one more step that could make the difference.

And I know the process and I know the questions and definitively I know the answers … determination, courage and a touch of insanity maybe it's all I need. And I've worked on my determination, I've also defeated my fears and maybe, just maybe I'm in the process of becoming insane. Maybe all the questions that I keep asking myself and that are taking me to a labyrinth of thoughts and theories will lead me to insanity.

Something in me tells me that I will be able to make that step and that will make all the difference, that will make life worth living. When? - Well that is an answer that I will just have to find.

Things that haunt us

" - I can assure you that it will take a very tangible ghost to frighten me. If you will show me to this haunted room of yours, I'll make myself comfortable there."

...

I must have staggered to my feet. I know I thought suddenly of the moonlit corridor and with my head bowed and my arms over my face, made the run for the door.

But I had forgotten the exact position of the door and struck myself heavily against the corner of the bed. I staggered back, turned, and was either struck or struck myself against some other bulky furniture. I have a vague memory of battering myself thus, to and fro in the darkness and of heavy blow at last upon my forehead.

I opened my eyes in a daylight.

"We found you at the dawn, and there was blood on your forehead and your lips. You believe now that the room is haunted?"

"Yes, the room is haunted."

"I told you so. It is the poor young countess who was frighted -"

"No, it is not."

"Well?"

"The worst of all the things that haunt poor mortal more and that is, in it all its nakedness - Fear! Fear that it will not have light nor sound. It fallowed me through the corridor, it fought against me in the room."

The red room by H.G. Wells

Some rain must fall

I've finished reading the book of Michael Faber. It has 15 stories totally different from each other and still describes one thing...reality that is. But the reality in different parts of the world and even universal in one of them.

It is indeed amazing the different angles he sees the world. In his book he tries to express his disgust for some people.

I will write down some quotes from this book.

"She talked on and on, effortessly, the words coming from a reassurance engine idiling deep within her; her words and the rain maintaining a susurrating spell over the children. Most listened in silence, come played games, completed puzzles or draw pictures. No drowing of guns or exploding heads yet..." - Some rain must fall

"'I thought you were terrified of sharks and big fish like that', she said lamely, hugging the slightly alien child tight to her side. You have nightmares every night...Kif Kif pawed sleepily at an itchy cheek and nose. 'I have nightmares about other stuff' she said." - Fish

"Sister Jennifer realised soon enough the true significance of the epiphany. God had given her yet another reason for living which she could pass on to others: the miracle of a bird in flight, the privilege of seeing a creature essentially different from oneself display its inhuman mastery, a display which one needed to be human and alive to witness and appreciate. It was necessary to keep living, if only to love the beauty of a bird, for birds themselves were incapable of loving it." - In Case of Vertigo

"God played alone: there were no other children where he lived...One day, rummaging in the trash, God found something especially good: a planet...Then he would sleep, and dream his dream of visiting his planet and dying there...He ran and ran, all night, for ever and ever, until, in the morning, he woke, remembering nothing, except that it had been good, and he was happy." - Toy Story

Freedom

I've forgot what I can do with so much freedom. My responsabilities reduced to 10% from what I used to have so...

Well reading feeds the brain so pretty much I spend my time reading and as a wise man once said " more that I learn, less I seem to know " that is how I feel. If only I would have had this knowledge one year ago, well that will have been different. Better later that never anyway so I will study more . I wanted to share this informations to people but I don't want to force anyone into anything so... they will have to learn by themselves. Too bad people reinvent themselves all the time.

When do you know that you can actually read? And I mean it. It's not just reading words from a book but reading with your mind, understanding all the meanings of the story, all the meaning that the writter wanted to transmit. Fallowing him in the story, being with one step ahead and connecting the dots. Right now I am reading a book written by Michael Faber, the representative story of the book is called: " Some rain must fall" but there are more. He has an abstract way in expressing meaningfull things.

I recommend this book, and remember to look beyond words, there is the story's right meaning.

Time of your life...

I've heared this song (Time of your life by Green Day)once in a movie of a trainee that was in our local. I accidentally heared this days and I wish in the end I, at least can say...yes! It's worth it!!!

Another turning point;

a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;

directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test

and don't ask why.

It's not a question

but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs

and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf

In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories

and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,

it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

Individualism

God, protect me of my friends 'cause of my enemies I can easely take care of.

I managed to deal with the responsabilities that I had. It seems that I am very capable to do other people's tasks and my own but when it comes the time that I need some help I'm suddenly alone in the middle of nowhere.

So one thing that I've learned in the hard way:

When you are all strong and available to help others you will always be surrounded by friends. When you reached the bottom of your strenght and need help from others then you realize that in fact it's only you.

And onother thing is that when you managed to do something extraordinary people will treat you worse than an ordinary person.

I want to see again the quality of people...

Conclusions

This week I've done what I'm most fan of: working that is. And I feel great. Beside my things on the department I have another TO DO list from the president with things that I have to do for the LC. And I accomplished 80% of it until now. I had a lot of challenges that gaved me more energy and motivated me since I am an workaholic freak.

I feel so well with this huge responsability in my shoulders and I really think I can manage the situation.

Tomorrow I don't know if I am going to stay home, most probably I will have to come aslo in the office because the recruitment is coming and there are a lot of things to do. I love being surrounded by members and to know that I can help them.

I found today a bigger challenge and I had to resolve a situation that involved 2 strong characters and because of my 2 years experience in dealing with challenges I managed to do what I've proposed to my self. Now I am waiting for effects and I will give my best to deal with the situation, make it better and see a change in that.

I've noticed in myself a psychological aspect that I developed in time by dealing with different personalities.

I know everything is going to turn out ok because everything happends for a reason.